I have been waiting to write this blog post for a year and a half. Talk about patience! I knew I would write it when the time was right and the time has arrived.
One of the reasons (other than not giving a damn) I have not cared what others think of my body is the fact that only I know my journey. With this knowledge, I can love myself openly and other people’s judgment does not penetrate into my mind or soul. My journey and my body are not for others to understand. I am the only person who needs to love myself and give myself understanding and grace. And I have.
I knew I wanted a big family. Regardless of past weight struggles, the changes pregnancy, breastfeeding, and motherhood bring to a woman’s body are many. Do that six times and let’s just say I’ve been many sizes and my bra size has never been the same for a full year over the last decade.
I lost 95 pounds between children 2 and 3. I ate well, I exercised, and I was persistent. There was a key element missing however. I did not love myself through it. Oh my, if I could go back and tell myself the difference it would made. Or just simply slap myself. I wasted my 20’s not smiling big or letting my soul shine bright because I was trying to hide my stomach or cheeks. Confidence truly is sexy, and insecurity…well, it shows too.
About a year and a half ago, I finally learned to love myself where I was/am in the moment. I refused to waste any more of my life hating myself. It’s a waste of youth, time, and energy. I then started showing other women (and men) they can do the same no matter if they are super skinny or if they look like me. We are all variations of normal. We are all on our journey. We are all unique.
I don’t look at a fit woman and get jealous and start to tear her down. I don’t look at skinny women anymore and think they don’t have problems (that’s laughable to me now) and I don’t look at larger women and compare myself to them in a negative way. I don’t need to judge, insult, or compare to others to make myself feel better about my body, because I have a healthy love for myself now.
Isn’t that amazing? The more we love ourselves, the more we can love others.
But I digress.
To me, self care is as unique as each person. It can mean daily coffee and donuts (holla!) or it can mean training for fitness competitions. The only thing I care about it that each person is taking care of themselves how they feel best and loving themselves on their journey.
So fast forward to now.
I knew that when I was done having children I would find myself in a new season and part of that would be getting back into working out. I used to love gaining strength at the gym before kids…it was something my husband (then boyfriend) and I did together many moons ago. And if I didn’t want to work out, I offered another form of cardio. wink wink
I am a different woman now, though. I can honestly say I loved myself at my highest weight and that is powerful (for me). Now, I can love myself through every season. My grandmother recently saw a picture of me and asked if I’ve lost weight. I said yes, but have I no idea how much. I am not looking to lose weight to look beautiful. I already am beautiful. My focus is being vegan, being healthy for myself and my family, and my mental postpartum wellbeing.
The only expectations I have right now with working out are:
- That it helps with my exhaustion and anxiety
- I get time away from the kids during 7-8:30pm so I don’t lose my shit. 🙂
- Better sex (wall sex anyone)?
The rest is delicious frosting on my sexy cake.